This is the last of the Letters from Your Sisters Series. Every week for the last four weeks, you’ve seen posts from four different people sharing their after A’level Exam experience and stories. You got to know what they’ve gone through a little bit and I hope you gained some beneficial advice and knowledge after reading their stories, In sha Allah. Last but not least is sister Hamlet!
Assalamualaikum, hey there! I do hope to remain anonymous but I figure that some stuffs mentioned later would give away my identity (I hope not!). Just for this, let’s say I am Hamlet (too random of a name). I am currently studying science-related stuffs somewhere. If for instance, you would be able to guess who I am, I hope that you wouldn’t be so surprised.
Okay, rather than sucking my thumb and think about who can recognize me, I mostly hope this blog contribution of my part would be able to help you all (especially all muslim and muslimah out there who went through different kinds of hardship). InshaAllah.
What are some major changes/ differences from your life in Alevel to your life now?
Well, the most obvious change in my life is the presence of different people.
Most people that was with me throughout and before A Level aren’t mostly around because we went different paths and now, the people around me are mostly people I have never met before and people I would have never thought I would be with.
The second change that occurs to me is the way I perceive life.
You see, I had always perceived my life as really dull.
Somewhere between A’ level and now, I was unable to actually admit “I am happy” or “I am unhappy”.
No, I don’t mean that I never had even one moment of happiness.
Let me clear that, I do and those times are the ones I held close to me because of how rare and precious they are at that point of my life.
However, I couldn’t get rid of the thoughts that I was probably being delusional.
Perhaps, I should’ve explained what happened to me during the period of time and perhaps before that.
I was a very negative person. It started way back in primary school. I remember my favorite phrase was in the form of question. A question of the worth of my life. I repeated the question like a curse and I believed at one point that I did cursed myself (so hey, be careful with your words. Okay, just kidding. One might think that’s what happened so if in a sad state but from a clearer view I have as of now, it was something I just implanted in my mind and perhaps an excuse to run away for not able to change my “worth”)
Moreover, I have always grown up visualizing myself as perfect. It was a life goal. My definition of perfect doesn’t include being confident or having high self-esteem though (laughs). For me, staying quiet and the way I was, was perfect. Then, meeting new people and being in new places, I was overwhelmed that I could never reach that. They had a different definition of “perfect” and I couldn’t just stick to mine.
I tried to change then. The first question that came was “how?”
I was weighed down by anxiety and in the end I didn’t achieve anything. I got too scared to move forward and even walk.
I still remembered the feelings of living in a slow motion surrounded by people moving at the speed of sound.
“I am left behind,” I thought.
And that’s the only thing I could think of along with other poison in my head.
“I could never change,”
“I could never move from this spot,”
“I could die with self-pity,”
“One step forward is a dead-end,” and I just stood there staring at my feet and wondered why they look so small.
That phase kinda last for years in an on/off moment.
Of course I just regard it as a puberty phase (haha).
Then, everything else happened.
I started to be exposed to more different experiences and people in that year after Alevel.
I still remember feeling super scared every single day and if I could I would just sleep throughout the year.
I was brought to different places and I felt I have no power to decide. It was as if my life had been taken away by force and I hate it. I hate being bound to places I have no will to be in.
I hate not having freedom but I hate choosing.
I was living shamefully because I ran away.
When I ran, I fell into a big hole.
Now, this is where the “change” happened (I admit I fail to see it as one when it happened).
I like the word “major change” here mostly because my change phase came in like a storm (which is something really big and sudden).
Like a really strong one that basically sweep me off my feet and made me go through a particular magical girl style transformation haha.
Okay not exactly (hey, I feel like I destroy the atmosphere here, sorry! ;0 but I don’t wanna get really dull here~ )
They all came to me at full force and I didn’t buy a storm umbrella (an innovation that actually exist xD).
My change was in the form of depression.
You see, when I ran I fell into a hole
Depression was the name of that place.
Depression is… well a condition I am sure that a lot of people experienced (and I know some of you do as well) and know well.
Okay, I don’t want to actually describe how it felt for me but perhaps just briefly-please skip if you don’t want to know this;
During my time there, I thought that I could one day lose self-control (because there are actually some days that I did). Worried that I might cause others misery I made a firm and courageous decision to move forward.
Just like previously, the first thing I asked was “how?”
How in this world does one can change easily?
No-how could someone as I even change?
In that depth of confusion, I found the first answer I didn’t realized I had.
I was in tears but I was also laughing because I had forgotten.
No, rather than forgetting it most likely had slipped out of my mind when I was in a sad state.
At that one moment, it was as if a burden was slightly lifted.
I began to realize how lucky I was because I was tested and put through some painful moments just so I find my way back to Him, Allah.
After that, I found it easier to go easy on myself and took another step forward.
It’s easier to do my work as well and I started to enjoy what I like casually.
I thank Him for each day that I truly felt “ I am happy “after such a long time.
Well, I do admit being slightly unstable at times (it doesn’t leave in a day) but I promise you it gets better for me :D
I trust that this is His way of assisting me in the change I wanted. A better kind of “change” for me.
Are you coping well with the changes? If yes, how do you cope? If no, whats making it hard for you to cope?
Well, I think I answered the first part of this question in the first question. Meh, just gonna say it haha
No, I didn’t at first.
I faltered at everything. I felt intimidated and overwhelmed at every single thing. My low confidence makes it worse that self-conscious takes over. Every attempts of trying to get better were very troublesome for me ha!
Then, I realized I have been using my brain (and eyes) wrong the whole time.
There’s a reason for every single thing. A Hikmah they say.
I finally understood it as the windshield of my life starting to get cleaner.
Well, actually to say I didn’t cope with it completely is kinda wrong.
I was able to cope with it well some days. I guess the biggest factors are my friends and families.
I really dislike the idea of passing on misery.
Because we are one big family, it’s easier to be sick if one is. That’s how it is and I couldn’t stand the idea of anyone I care being in the same place I was (unless there’s a reason for it set by Allah) / and I guess that way of saying is wrong too because I selfishly let some of them go there because I didn’t even have the power to stop myself at that time.
Well, the bottom line is, I couldn’t really cope it excellently because I felt that being a sad person could define me (hahaha I know but I think that was one of my beliefs back then) because I was only an empty-no-personality person so yeah.
The after-storm change was something that at first, was hard to stabilized (but hey, The storm provides haha)
I have to remind myself this kind of openings is a blessing that I need to be thankful for.
I managed to structure myself to become someone organized so I could balance everything in life.
As soon as I feel sad, I remember Allah and it always made me feel at peace and happy and I wondered why it took me years to finally understood the concept of Zikr (The remembrance of Allah) and hopefully Muslim and Muslimah readers out there would realized it too. The beauty of Zikr.
Aaand that’s how I coped with all the changes.
What you like/ dislike about the change
You see, I did not like being away from my beloved friends and everything I built to be familiar with. I feel as if I was robbed. I did not like my new environment because I knew I couldn’t adapt well like others.
I dislike feeling small and seemingly always comparing myself (seriously, we really need to stop that! It’s gonna eat us away!)
I hated being sad all the time. Sixth grade science taught me that a sad face takes more energy than smiling! ( I cant believe it’s true! haha)
It’s tiring to be scared most of the time. I couldn’t even do any of my work easily because I was anxious and it frustrates me not able to enjoy doing most of the things anymore! (It’s actually tiring to sleep haha and not be able to sleep at night. It’s like a never-ending cycle).
Let’s go to what I like about the change.
As I said earlier, I feel like I am in a better position after the storm.
Since the storm attacked me at full strength, I came out of it stronger. That’s one way to say it I guess.
Is your life going the way you’ve always planned..?
Let’s see, my goal remains the same from when I was a kid but as for what it means to me have started to differ. As for life going as planned, truth be told I never did any planning of that sort before (not sure if I could now but I might give it a shot!)
I didn’t plan what I would do after “A”level (I just stick to something overly familiar), I never plan where I would work or live one day. I only dare to dream.
For the me before, planning meant going down the serious road and I have not the will to do that. I was scared of the future. When I think about the future it was always ones without me in it. It was blurry and I was scared to go there and so, I didn’t plan anything in life. I went with the flow.
This question made me wonder that maybe I should start doing so slowly. Maybe not a proper plan but things like what-ifs sorts. To me now, the somehow clean windshield gave a view of what is beyond today and it wasn’t blurry anymore and even though the me I saw in the future is alone, I proudly say I am there. InshaAllah I will.
Well another bottom line : If I were to look back, and see where I am standing right now, no, there is nothing wrong with the way my life is moving (hey, it wasn’t as bad as I thought it was :D). In the end, all is good for now (and if things turn out the opposite in the future, I’ll remember what I didn’t realize before: to trust Allah) and I wouldn’t have asked for another way.
Your aspirations and goals for the future?
As mentioned in the previous question, my goal is still to be prefect in a new context.
Truthfully, I haven’t completed the new definition of my “perfect”. Perhaps rather than “perfect, “ideal” would be better?
My biggest goal is to probably to be a good Muslimah.
Secondly is to live my life the way I want to and as I dreamed.
I want to be a good cooker (oh gosh) like, super invincible in the kitchen haha.
I don’t really have any dream to make it big or anything though it’d be nice to accomplish one of the dreams I had as a child.
Another goal is probably to study hard and graduate with flying colors Aamin. I felt good saying that haha because I’d never thought I had the will to study.
Some tips and advice for people who have just finished their Alevels?
First of all, congratulations to all of you since you have made it this far.
For those do who obtained “A”level, let me tell you a secret that isn’t actually quite one. You work for this. You work for this very place. You didn’t get lucky. It wasn’t some random choice the authorities made.
NO. It’s you, your effort and Allah. Be conscious. Be aware. Don’t live your life not realizing that your mother had just asked you to help her clean the house while you were watching the television. Not only will it hurts other, it will hurt you more. Excelling at your subjects and claiming that you just got lucky is the same way as not realizing how hard you work and how much you invest for it. It’s sad really. Not recognizing and rewarding yourself for it. Have more confidence in yourself. Why not? I know it’s hard but not believing yourself is harder. Believe in yourself and don’t drown into negative thoughts. Take it slowly and don’t lose that fight.
For those who didn’t get anything out of the exam (but get a lot from other things), you are lucky as well. You have experience (and you can proudly say “I have been there too,”) but that’s not all. Who says you’re not going to a journey as well? Don’t forget the frustration but forget losing. Build this as a fire of will InshaAllah you will be where you meant to be.
Remember that Allah has plans for you and it’s gonna be better than what you initially wanted (hey, it surely is for me, Alhamdulillah!).Trust Him and surely He will lead you and ease your hardship.
Asking for help from your friends or families is also great! I do believe that even though I didn’t exactly do this, different people need different kind of aids.
And then, applying some maths here. Every problem has a solution (InshaAllah), you just need to see it from different angles. Step a back from your life (do come back though) and see where it happened or see why you are that way internally. Then, slowly address the problem and surely you will reach the core of it.
Lastly, Be grateful. Don’t you ever regret every step you take in your life. Someday, InshaAllah something good will come out of it.
From here onwards things gonna get tougher but I am sure fun as well XD
“Don’t you think there’s something that’s way more important than whether you have a talent or not? … Believing in yourself. If you don’t… It doesn’t matter how many talents you have, you still won’t be able to hold your head high.” –from somewhere (credits to owner)
“Although nobody ever calls her so, her name just for this moment is Hamlet.
Yes, just like the prince from “Hamlet” (William Shakespeare,1603) except that this particular Hamlet is a female.
Just two years ago, Hamlet had her ‘A’level examination and as everyone else in the world, that was the beginning where everything diverges, when everyone else walks to different paths towards their ambitions, dreams and anywhere that would accept them so that they can continue taking in purpose.
“It takes courage to walk” nobody told her that but she said it herself for who know how long and before she knew it, her feet were erased and her brain was turned upside down and upright.
Being an indecisive person, Hamlet cowers every day and she found it hard to find the will to even wake up or leave the comfort of her bed.
She knew she have to and she did.
She gathered everything she has and walked but she fell into a big dark hole because there were places she’d rather not be in.
And because she thought she was lost, she went to look for answer as to where she wanted to be and why she thought the road she is in now is too covered with gold and black paints.
She didn’t have any answer though.
So, her feet continue walking with heavy footstep and the way she sees the world gets duller and darker.
She never thought she could feel completely empty, like a lifeless being wearing a collection of masks and heart on her sleeve.
In that one year after her last exam at school, she heard voices telling how she’s practically dead.
She believed that but she didn’t stop because as she liked to believe it, she has courage.
And let me tell you that she indeed does.
She has courage, will and determination.
At the end of the storm and when the last rain of the season drops, she knew she no longer need any other kind protection nor umbrella.
And let me tell you why.
She found purpose.
She found her consciousness and she realized why she’s there.
And most of all, she found her way back Allah.”
[Author’s note: I really apologized for being extremely dull (aand long) though that’s not exactly a reason to apologize for. I thank you for reading and InshaAllah and I do hope that you find this beneficial! InshaAllah]
And there you go! The very last of the Letters from Your Sisters’ Series! Hehe. Semoga bermanfaat, readers! I loved this post for how raw and from the heart it is – it’s beautiful, dear Hamlet (/winkwink). And I love the length because as a blog reader myself, these are the kinds of blog posts I just loveee to read to with good music and nice drink, haha!
Till the next post! In sha Allah.
Much love, Iween. xo. ♡