A blooming, buzzing confusion


A week ago, I was in a completely different country, in a completely different room and house. I was away from my family, studying (and struggling) for my first exams after an exam-free gap year. I was marking my calendar and counting down the days until I get to come home. That was my life a week ago and that is how it has been for the last four months – a life filled with changes that I wasn’t prepared for and a reality that didn’t feel like it was mines; a blooming, buzzing confusion. 


Allah tidak memberati seseorang melainkan apa yang terdaya olehnya. Allah does not burden a soul beyond that it can bear.

[Al Baqarah, 26:286]

My late brother quoted this beautiful ayat from Surah Al Baqarah of the Quran. This is the ayat he held onto before passing and it’s become the ayat I’ve been holding onto since then.

In those four months I spent away from home, trying to make sense of what’s going on, this is the ayat that gave me the comfort I needed. To know that I was not being tested beyond what I can handle and that all the trials being sent down was according to my strength – that was what I needed to hear. Especially at times when the doubts crept in and it seemed like there was no way I could make it through; those were the times when this ayat came to mind and gave me the strength I needed.

Why would you doubt yourself when Allah has sent down a trial that He knows you have the strength to make it out through? If Allah has entrusted you with that much strength to get through those tough times, how could you not trust yourself?

Subhanallah. What better comfort could I possibly get than that?

The truth is that the confusion is still there and I’m still trying to cope. But I hope that for every trial that comes, I will always be reminded of this ayat, of His love and the strength He has given me – and while things may not come to a standstill clarity, at least I’ll have it in my heart that I can, with Allah’s will, make it through. In sha Allah.

With love, Iween.



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